The following is our failed adoption story but don’t forget to read the comments here. So many others have gone through similar experiences. Our hope and prayer is that you may discover that you are not alone. Failed adoptions are painful and something that others may find hard to relate to if they have not gone through it themselves. Feel free to leave your story here as well and know that you will be prayed for.
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December 2012
A birth mother in Florida chose us to adopt her baby girl due to be born the beginning of March. We were super excited. We began the paper work with the attorney in Florida handling this adoption. We sent money for attorney fees and birth mother expenses. We began communicating with the family (especially with the birth mother’s mother since we were unable to communicate with the birth mother directly for reasons I will not get into here). We exchanged letters and text messages. Everything seemed on track.
January 2013
Our Florida attorney suggested we come down to visit the birth mother and her family. So we made the necessary arrangements. A friend of ours gave us a gift of staying at a Florida resort for a couple nights through a timeshare arrangement they had. We flew down and got settled into our resort. We were nervous, anxious, excited and a host of other emotions. We barely slept that night. The next day we traveled about 20 miles to visit the pregnant birth mother (along with our attorney). We spent an hour together before the birth mother’s family showed up. We then spent another couple hours together. It was a great time. We got to know one another better and bonded. We all thought the visit went great. We left Florida the next day feeling better about this match and more hopeful and more excited.
End of February 2013
We got word the birth mother was being induced on Monday, March 4 so we made our plans to leave for Florida on Sunday, March 3. We installed the baby’s car seat in my car, we packed the baby’s suitcase and everything else we would need for her. We then began to pack our stuff in preparations to load the car.
March 2013
Sunday, March 3, following worship, we loaded the car and got on the road. We drove through that night on adrenalin and the grace of God. As we entered Florida we started getting updates from the baby’s grandmother. We were getting more and more excited. As we got closer to town we got a message that the birth mother was in labor. I instinctively increased my speed. We arrived at the hospital 1/2 hour after the baby was born. Fifteen minutes later the grandmother sent us a text message and invited us to come on in. We met with the family in the waiting room and 15 minutes later we were in the room with the birth mother and the baby. What a beautiful little girl with a full head of hair.
Soon after we arrived in the hospital room the birth mother asked us if we wanted to hold the baby. At first we resisted because we wanted her to have her time, but she insisted. My wife held the baby first. I then got my chance as my heart began to melt. I was falling in love with what I considered to be my future daughter. My heart melted even more as the birth mother asked me if I wanted to feed this baby. After a couple hours together we left the hospital with the birth mother’s parents and the four us enjoyed supper together. What a great night.
We had told the birth mother that we would respect her space and time with her baby and that if she wanted us to come up the next day to let us know. Late afternoon on Tuesday we got a text to come on over. We proceeded to spend a few hours with the family. My wife and I held the baby the whole time with my wife feeding the baby this time. We exchanged gifts and bonded some more. Another great evening.
Wednesday was the day the day the birth mother was going to sign away her parental rights and the day we would receive this precious little girl. We barely slept on Tuesday night. We arrived at the hospital around 10:30 am as the birth mother was spending some time with her mother and baby. So we waited…and waited…and waited. Our attorney showed up with the court reporter and we waited some more.
Finally we were all called back to the room. As we entered the room the birth mother didn’t even acknowledge us. You could tell she was very emotional…and who could blame her. As the court reported got set up, our attorney asked us to wait in the waiting room until we were needed. So we waited some more…
Ten minutes later the court reporter left. Our hearts began to sink. I tried to explain to myself that that was normal. My wife was not so convinced. Another 20 minutes passed before our attorney came out and said those awful words:
She has decided to parent the baby.
We were crushed. Devastated. Our attorney’s words were useless in comforting us.
We then began the looooong drive home empty handed. I could barely see the road as tears were streaming down my face (I probably should not have been driving).
But…
God was faithful and continues to be faithful. This definitely was not our plan, but God has something wonderful in mind for us so we trust in that. We continue to pray for the birth mother and her baby and her family. We pray for healing and patience. We pray for wisdom in how to use this to glorify God for God is worthy of all praise and worship.
UPDATE:
Even though we have been blessed with two children through adoption now, we still remember the pain of our failed adoptions. But as we look back now we can definitely see God at work. It was hard to see at the moment, but God was there. So our message to couples now is this: There is hope!
Adopted as an Heir 
I just found your site / page about failed adoption on Google.
My husband and I just came home from a failed adoption a few days ago– ours would have been the adoption of newborn twin girls that arrived on November 17th a few weeks ahead of their mid-December due date.
We had been matched with their expectant mother via word-of-mouth, through a friend of a family member. We had connected her with our adoption agency, had done Skype dates, and talked with her on the phone, emailed each other, prayed with her… she even asked us what we were planning on naming them so she could start referring to them by name, and thinking of them as “ours.”
So when she went into labor, and called us, we piled in our car, drove a thousand miles to Los Angeles, and met her and her parents, and the babies the next day. We got full access to the NICU where they were kept for observation due to their small size, and 35-week gestation. For four days we held them, loved them, and lived in bliss. Surely, God had ordained ALL of this, and surely we would go home with the two little girls in a few more days, and celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas with our eager families.
But on the day the babies were due to be discharged, their mother had a change of heart, and asked to see them one last time. Her counselor from our adoption agency met her there, and talked to her.
Finally the mother agreed that adoption was for the best, and left the hospital. We got a call to come pick up the babies. And while we were going through our discharge protocol, the caseworker’s phone rang. The mother said she couldn’t go through with the adoption after all.
My husband and I sat in shock and disbelief. We started sobbing, and had to go say goodbye to these tiny little babies that we had bonded with for four days. We had to walk out of the NICU, with empty car seats in hand, while all the other NICU-parents and nursing staff stared at us awkwardly.
We were so grief-stricken, that after five years of infertility, it had come to this? We sat in our hotel room and wept and wailed for several days, pleading with God, asking for intervention, praying, reading the Bible, and wondering what good could possibly come from this heartache.
We stayed another week just to rest and process this enormous sense of loss and devastation and betrayal. At one point, we also composed an email to send to the mother, just to extend an olive branch and let her know that we trust her to take care of the babies well, and that we will pray for them all for the rest of our lives.
We didn’t know if she’d ever write back.
At last we made the long and grueling trip back home, exhausted, and confused, but trusting in the Lord somehow through the fog of our immense loss.
She did write back a few days ago. She apologized for hurting us, and thanked us for our love and forgiveness.
Part of me wishes this had never happened. Part of me wishes I had never heard of her or these little girls. Part of me still pleads with God to convince her to change her mind. We’d drive there and back again if only to have those babies in our arms. It was the best and worst week of our lives, all wrapped up in one.
I don’t really know what to do now. It’s my favorite time of the year, but my heart is so numb from losing our daughters after just 4 short but amazing days, that I could just as easily stay in bed all day for the rest of my life. We’re forcing ourselves to get up and do normal every-day activities and allowing ourselves moments to pause, cry, hold each other and grieve. We don’t want to give into depression, but we still want to allow ourselves the space to mourn. They were never ours on paper, but they had been ours in word and promise. We had no way to see this coming.
Anyway, I thought I’d try to find others who have loved and lost their nearly-adopted children, so here I am.
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I am so sorry for your loss. I started tearing up as I read your story and I wish I had some grand words to bring you healing quicker but I don’t.
When my wife and I walked out of that hospital without that little girl we were just numb. And the drive back to MN with that car seat behind us was so painful that my wife was tempted many times to stop and throw it out. But I think the worst thing for me was coming home to a quiet house. I remember commenting to my wife that the silence was deafening.
We will definitely be praying for you that healing would come and that God would bring that child(ren) into your lives soon. One thing we noticed after our failed adoption was that people had a hard time talking to us; not knowing what to say. I mean, if you haven’t been through something like this then it is hard to imagine what people are going through. So if you would like to communicate with us more privately please contact us at adoptedasanheir@yahoo.com
God bless you as you heal and as you continue in your adoption journey.
Eric
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This just happened to us 2 weeks ago. We are in so much pain and feel very helpless, and sad and angry. How do you ever trust a birth mom again?
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It helped us to realize that the trust we felt had been violated was just loosely based on an”intention” not a “promise.” Our birth mom had every intention of going through with the adoption – and has told us that in subsequent emails. But she had never promised that she would give the babies to us. Nobody can possibly make such a promise without wrestling through the darkest of days. She could not have imagined the raw emotions that she had to deal with on the day she left the hospital empty-handed, and ultimately came back to pick them up.
When you think about how YOU feel right now, imagine having carried that baby in your womb for 9 months and then walking away from it. We could never blame her for what she did. I know that there is no way I could personally hand off my child to another couple unless my life was in jeopardy or something. So I guess it has just helped me to understand that adoption is a very very painful process for at least one of the parties involved, and the odds of a birth mom changing her mind is something like 1 in 5. And when it’s the right baby and the right birth mom who is brave and strong enough to go through with it, then things will fall into place. We didn’t guard our hearts very much, and now we have experienced the worst part of the adoption journey– a retracted word. We’re still waiting for a baby, but the pain does ease. We just pray for those little girls and their mom all the time and trust that their lives will turn out okay, and that we just weren’t meant to be their parents. I hope that helps. It’s okay to grieve… you imagined your life with that baby/babies, and to feel sad and bewildered and crushed is what you are going to go through. But just know that those birth moms who reneg on an adoption don’t do it to spite you. They do it because they truly can’t walk away from that baby. It’s a force stronger than nature. It was not meant to hurt you. So don’t let it steal your hope for the future… try to just imagine the deep grief she felt, and the fear that she might never see her flesh & blood child again… It breaks my heart.
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Finding you blog just one day from a failed adoption, gave me a small peace in my heart. What you said about “intent and not promise” are wise words. The loss is there, the 10 years of waiting and disappointment is there, and as badly as I hate admitting it, the loss of $30,000 we worked so hard to get is there. I hope in my peace I can think more about the baby and his mother than myself and my husband. Thank you
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Look at this way. Imagine giving your birth child away, how hard would it be for you? Could you do it? It’s very difficult. These women are at their lowest of points and so one must sympathize with them.
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I am also in the failed adoption club , but it turned out to lead to the best thing in the world -our beautiful baby daughter ! 🙂 I am sharing our story so it gives hope for adoptive parents and they don’t ever give up on their dream of parent hood ! We began our journey in February of 2012 and were so so excited to learn that we could possibly be parents in as little as 12 months . That journey turned into a little over 2 years and 2 and 1/2 years until finalization. During this time we waited and waited for almost a year until our profile was so shown to a potential birth mom for the first time . We got so excited we couldn’t stand it ! After not being chosen by the birth mother it was another 5 or so months until it was presented to another birth mother ! This continued for some time and we kept getting the same response that the right birth mother would come along for us ! It was so so hard to keep hope up and then finally in January of 2014 we got the call we had dreamed about ! We had been chosen by a birth mom and it was a girl due in April . The story was so bitter sweet to us because we were told that the birth mom would most not likely make it through the delivery and her grown son would want visits if something happened and she was making the will to reflect her wishes of adoption . We were told that the father was not interested in parenting and we would most likely take placement at the hospital . We were told everything was going well and communicated through a secure email with the birth mom who said that her due date was moved up and she would have a c section on March 25 ! Omg so thrilled we started to prepare and it seemed to go good until our home visit update just one week before the baby was to be born . While visiting the social worker got a phone call from the birth mothers case worker and the father had appeared and expressed interest in parenting if this was a boy ! We were assured that it was ok because this was a girl . The next day I checked my email to find a message from the birth mom saying that the dad wanted custody of his son ! We were like what ? ?? This is a girl so we called our caseworker and found out the birth mom had been untruthful and that she had not been honest with any of us about any thing . We believe she just changed her mind or never intended to do adoption . We still don’t know the motives but the agency did look into it and determined there was something in one of the Drs reports stating it was a boy even though the birth mom kept saying it was a girl ! Needless to say this was so devastating and heartbreaking . The agency said they would look for a new match for us but could not guarantee when it would happen . It took a while for us to trust again , but we did and are so glad we did . On June 4 , 2014 we got the call that a baby girl had been born and her birth parents would be choosing a family the next day and signing the paperwork and would we want our profile shown ! We said yes and we tried to keep busy and not get our hopes up ! That was a Friday and Saturday afternoon we got the call that we could pick up our daughter when she was ready for discharge so we were jumping up and down and celebrating . On Monday we were holding her in our arms and feeding her at the hospital ! It still seems like a dream ! We are so blessed that we did not give up and followed our heart so this beautiful little girl could become part of our family . I tell our story for those of you hurting and hoping that you can endure the pain of a loss as we did and know that your child is there and the right birth mother is there for you ! The pain is never easy and doesn’t completely ever go away , but becomes a part of you and your journey to parent hood with the perfect child ! Best of luck to everyone and I’m so sorry for the pain ! I hope joy is around the corner for y’all !
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Thank you so much for sharing this. It’s a wonderful story of hope. There are no easy words to say to those who are still recovering from a failed adoption an wondering what is next. My prayer is that if you are called to adoption then hang in there, God will bring that child into your life.
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I had this happen to after just 3 short but amazing weeks. Since she was taken I am lost and nothing seems to make me happy anymore. I hate that you had to endure the pain I did but it seems good to find someone who can truly relate because so often I feel as if people don’t get me and ik already that they can’t begin to understand. I actually reached out to the birthmom who is incarcerated a few days ago and I can only hope that I’ll get some good news. Her response is the only reason I am hanging on right at this very moment although my boyfriend says that all she is going to do is lie.
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I too just went through a failure in November. Our stories are so similar. The birth of our failed adoption was November 4th and on the 5th in the evening we found out she decided to parent. It was horrible, we moved on and we believe that God has a better plan for us. Here we are a month later and just got a call about a baby waiting for us with consents already signed. We lost $30,000 in our failure and we could potentially have this baby now for $23,000 in agency fees and court costs. I know this sounds horrible because it sounds like a price tag on a life but if we went for this baby we just got a call for we would be getting into major debt. I want to but I have been struggling with this all day. I guess I’m looking for an unbiased opinion. How did you decide to move forward and adopt again?
A
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I am very sorry for your loss. After we got home and started trying to move on, money was definitely an issue; something I constantly lifted up in prayer, since we lost a lot in our failed adoption. We got some unspent birth mother fees back but just a small amount compared to what we lost in attorney fees. And I can relate to your feelings about the “price tag” because that’s how I felt with the baby we got. Everything was a go and all we had to do was say “yes” or “no”. Felt kind of strange. And the money thing is an issue but God continues to provide. I would say that if you feel deep in your heart that God is still leading you to adopt that you should continue. Take that leap of faith and trust Him. We need to be good stewards of our resources but if God says “jump” then jump and trust God will provide.
I don’t know if this helps or not but know I will be praying for discernment for you; asking God to give you clear direction and guidance.
God bless,
Eric
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We are fortunate that our adoption agency just asks for 2 basic payments– once when the homestudy is approved and our profile became activated, and the second half when we have a permanent placement of a child in our home. There are no ongoing fees. So even though we just experienced a failed adoption less than 3 weeks ago, we are not out a single dime (except the cost of gas for traveling to where the birth happened, and hotel costs). That was one reason we chose the adoption agency that we did… we know that maybe they’re not as aggressive with advertising and stuff, and sometimes they have a longer wait list, but they really see their job as a ministry of making families. The counseling and support we have had from their staff has been really wonderful. Also, make sure you look into other options for grants, or tax credits, etc. You should be able to get a tax credit of nearly $13K for adoption.
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Also, checking into claiming expenses for a failed adoption on your taxes.
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We returned home a couple of days ago after a failed adoption – baby born on Christmas, in our care in hospital and hotel for 7 days. On day 7, I suddenly got phone call from birth mother saying “I decided I want to parent.” We have a son already, just turned 4, whom we adopted at birth, and I’m worried about the trauma for him. He was asking a lot of questions the first day or two (“Why was there no adoption?” “Why can’t the baby come home with us?” “Why did she change her mind?”). Now the questions have abated, but I worry anyway. I also worry about the money lost (a fortune for us!). I think I’d be game to try again, but we’d have to hock our house. The weirdest thing is that my grief is more for the dashed dream of a sibling for my son–the dream of the future family of four –than it is for the new baby himself. I feel guilty about this, and guilty about anger I have toward the birth mother. Thanks for your website — I feel a bit better just having seen other people’s stories and shared mine.
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Sorry for your loss. I think your feelings are a natural part of grieving. I’ll be praying that God will give you peace and direction on what to do next.
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I’m tearing up as I read your story. I am SO thankful that you have shared your story. My birth mother backed out of our adoption last night, just 2 weeks away from his birth. I’m heartbroken. I keep thinking about his name and that his name won’t be his name. I think of the embarrassment I’ll face on Monday when I go to work and have to tell people it fell through. I had so many reasons for adopting him but all of those reasons are now gone. I have no reasons left over than the fact that I love him. I know I can try again with other kids, but I want him. I can’t bear to face his stuff in his room. Every time I would walk by, I would hold one of his little sleepers I bought him and just dream of him. I can’t even begin to figure out how to let go. It helps a little to know that I’m not alone in this. Thank you for sharing!
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My wife and I teared up reading your story. This is a painful thing to go through. I remember when we got home we throw all the baby stuff in the baby room and shut the door. We didn’t enter that room for over a month.
I can also relate to your trepidation of facing Monday. I remember going to the grocery store after we got back and I ran into someone I knew. I could tell they were a little uncomfortable, not knowing what to say (we had sent emails out to our church on our way home). But slowly, people offered their support and prayers and that really helped with the healing process.
My prayer is that God will bring you healing and that there are people in your life to help you down that road to healing. And also, I pray that God will bring a child into your life.
~ Eric ~
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Thank you for your posts, I am sitting here at 4 am crying my eyes out as I can’t sleep. Today we got that dreaded call in the adoption journey that you just aren’t ready for even though it’s always a possibility. My husband and I were matched with a birth mom from AZ. We were 4 weeks out from the delivery when she texted me today that she could no longer do it! I was completely blind sided as we have been communicating via phone and text almost every day since we were matched on 12/26. We flew out to meet her about 6 weeks ago and she assured us after that meeting that we were the parents for her baby. She has made several comments about how lucky she is that we came into her lives to adopt this baby. As I sit here trying to understand why, why us, how could she do this to us, and fight off the anger to not want to yell at her, how could she parent a baby when she didn’t have the decency to even call me. After reading many articles online and other peoples posts it helps to see that grief is ok, the worrying about telling people, the anger, the crying, the sadness that you lost a baby is all ok and that like any challenge in life it is how you react and learn from it that makes you the person you are. I was supposed to fly out to AZ for a doctors appointment with her on Monday and after much thought I am still planning to go and I have asked her to meet with me for coffee so I can get some closure as the text message was so cowardly and I think I at least deserve her to tell me in person. I don’t know if we will continue this journey, if we will try to adopt again, or what plan God has for us. Thanks again for all the stories it helps to know we are not alone.
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Our hearts are breaking for you. Know that we will be praying for you as you mourn and as you discern what God has for you next.
I too was angry when that birth mother changed her mind and Connie and I had to drive home empty handed. And part of me wishes I could have heard the news directly from her instead of through our attorney, but then I wonder how I would have responded to her if she was the one to break the news to us. Would I have lashed out in anger? Would I have offered a prayer of thanks for allowing us to come on this journey with her? I don’t know but what I do know is that I was pretty raw following the news and all the way home.
So I will be praying for that meeting with your birth mother. I hope it brings closure and healing for both of you. I would also be very interested in hearing how that meeting goes so feel free to share here or drop us an email at: adoptedasanheir@yahoo.com.
Thanks for sharing your story. There are so many people out there going through this pain so you are definitely not alone. Take care and God bless.
~ Eric ~
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Thank you for sharing your story. It does help to know that others have went through the same horrible thing. We were matched with our birth mother in March 2013 with our baby boy due at the end of June. We went to every doctor appointment with her from that point on and became close to her. I was in the delivery room and cut the cord when he was born and we went home with our baby boy the next day. Everything, or so we thought, was fine. We got a call two days later from our case worker saying she wasn’t ready to give away her parental rights yet. We were very upset but felt better when the birth mother called us and said she was just emotional but still made the correct decision giving him to us. She finally signed away her parental rights 2 weeks later, but in our state she has 30 days to change her mind. Everything was fine, we were still in contact with the birth mother almost everyday via text messages. At this point, we were friends and she assured us many times that she would not take him away from us. We had a great Saturday, visiting family and friends, and were settling in for the night when our phone rang. It was our case worker telling us that the birth mother changed her mind and wanted the baby back. We were devastated. We spent the next day saying good-bye and returned him to our case worker on the day he turned 1 month old. We tried getting in contact with the birth mother for closure, but she wouldn’t talk to us without “support”. We found out that she took the baby back to “get back at” his birth father. We can only pray that she gives him a good life. It was a very rough time, but with the help of our faith, family, and friends we got through it. We know that everything happens for a reason and this baby wasn’t meant to be ours. God will bless us with a child when he feels the time is right. We are still waiting and have the room all ready to go. Today is one of those days where it’s hard to look in it without memories popping up. Thanks again for sharing your story and listening to ours!
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Wow! I can’t imagine receiving a call like that after a month. I thought it was bad enough after a couple days. I will be praying for you; that God will give you peace and healing. Thanks for sharing your story.
Eric
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One week ago, today, we learned that our adoption match failed. We are heart broken.
After 2 years of being ”on call”, January 29th we finally received the exciting news that a birth family due in May was interested in talking with us. Beyond excited we dropped everything and set up a call. From the very first minute we “click” with our birth family and we started the journey of getting to know them. With contact multiple times per week and an openness we didn’t expect, my husband and I felt like we were developing a solid relationship with both our birth mother and birth father. They asked questions of us, shared their dreams for this child, sent pictures of their family and of the sonogram and, in exchange, we share our hearts and life with them. I would be lying if I painted a perfect picture. They had some immediate financial needs and, unfortunately, we were more involved in that aspect of the adoption that we would have like. However, with direction from our attorney and social workers we helped when we could. We were also encouraged to travel to our birth parents state to meet them in person…of course, we would! When we proposed this, they seemed as excited as we were so we planned our trip. In March they welcomed us into their home and family. We spent most of the morning and afternoon with them visiting and learning more about each other. It was wonderful…beyond our expectations. We arrived home late Monday with our hearts full of joy and more confident in our decision to pursue an open adoption, our developing relationship with our birth parents and the reality that we would be blessed by the brave decision of this man and women who we were beginning to consider family. In the weeks that followed we were on cloud 9…allowing ourselves to believe this WAS happening. I started nesting…buying baby boy clothes (washing & packing them so we would be ready for the call), allowing my girl friends and mother to plan “sip and see” showers, telling colleagues and clients of our great news and taking the necessary steps to leave work at a moments notice. While our birth parents still had some financial needs, they were getting settled and we were so happy that we were able to help.
About a week before Easter our communication started dropping off. While this was a definite change in behavior our social workers told us not to read too much into it. For obvious reasons it was a very emotional time and we were encouraged to respect our birth parents “lead”. We did and we waited…and waited…and waited. Finally, we attempted to contact them just to let them know we were worried and wanted to make sure they were alright….nothing. At this point, they were not responding to our adoption facilitator, our social worker or us. On the advice of our social worker we searched local hospitals in their area and found she had given birth to a baby boy 3 days earlier.
There are no words to explain the emotions of this past week. There are no words to explain why…we will probably never know. We simply have to trust that God is in control and he has a plan.
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I am so sorry for your loss. That story sounds very similar to some friends of ours. They invested so much time with their birth mother and then she dropped off the face of the earth. Very painful for them. I pray that God brings you healing and eventually a child. Thanks for sharing your story.
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UPDATE: About 2 weeks after this post our lives changed forever. God had the perfect plan and it was more amazing than we could have ever imagined or dreamed. Today, we are the proud and humble parents of a happy, healthy and beautiful 5 month old baby girl and the recipients of the most gracious and selfless love of our birthmother and her family.
My heart aches as I read the posts on this website because I know the pain, fear, doubt and hopelessness of having failed placements/adoptions. I would be dishonest if I said I have completely healed from the wounds caused by those experiences.
However, a few things I know for sure, God is faithful, His plan is perfect and I would not change one second of our 2 1/2 year adoption journey. I am changed as a result of each painful and joyful step.
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Congratulations and Praise be to God! I echo your sentiment, my wife and I were also changed through the WHOLE adoption process.
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Thank you all for posting your stories. We too just went through a failed adoption (baby born on May 23, 2014 and birthmom decided to parent on 5/26/14). The heartache is profound and the depression stretches on. We held and fed and changed the baby, we named her, we showed up at the hospital on the last day with car seat in the car and freshly washed clothes.
It is so hard to explain to people why the experience feels so life-changing to us. We know that we will go on and heal, I pray for the baby and birthmom and grandparents, but it is hard to have hope for our family.
When did you all start to feel like hope and joy came back in your lives?
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I posted the story at the top of the comments (L J ) and the beautiful thing – for us – anyway, is that because we had the Birthmom’s email, we were able to keep sending her notes of encouragement and to remember that adoption is about multiple people. It’s not just about a couple/ family trying to add children into their lives, but about a woman who is in a stressful and sad situation, and having to make a very difficult and painful choice. The more we reached out in love to her, the more healing we felt. We mostly gave her space, but we’d usually send her a little note via email every 6-8 weeks and sometimes she replied, and sometimes she didn’t. The twins we were supposed to adopt just had their six-months of life a few weeks ago so we sent her another update of what we’re doing now and where we are at emotionally and personally and pursuing adoption, and that we just were still glad that she was willing to take a chance on us for that very painful time period in HER life. It was just as much about her pain and heartache as it became about our heartache after she changed her mind. She wrote back a wonderful, heartfelt long email and said that she still feels a grief on our behalf for the pain she caused us, but that she is immensely grateful for the support we have continued to show her, and through that communication, we have had beauty-for-ashes.
I wouldn’t say that this is advisable for many people, and probably not even practical or possible for most, but for us it helped us move on and forge a new relationship with her. Maybe we’ll eventually lose touch and that’s okay too, but we’ll always know that there was no animosity between us. As far as when we first started feeling hope again- I think it was about 6-10 weeks before I stopped bursting into tears randomly throughout the day. By 3 months I was doing quite okay, and now I can look at their photos and smile and just remember how amazing and soft and beautiful the twins were and that experience will never fade in our minds. There have been times where I still feel kind of “blah” and not exactly hopeful, but at least the sadness and deep grief has gone away. We’re seeing some new opportunities come up, and hoping for more guarded hearts this time. It’s good to remember that adoption is not a cake-walk and that something like 20% of birth moms will change their mind at the 11th hour. Go into this process with open hearts, open arms, but a cautious mind.
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What a gift to be able to stay in touch with that birth mother. And I agree…we need to remember that adoption is not a cake walk and therefore I am glad there is a community out there that understands.
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For my wife and I, the hope and joy came back when we finally held our daughter in our arms which was about 1 1/2 months later. Had we not been matched with our birth mother in Texas I am not sure how I would have answered your question. Even today when I tell people the story of our failed adoption I can feel some of that pain as my eyes tear up. I suppose at some level I will always feel something concerning that first failed adoption. We still have a picture of my wife and I with the family that was taken a couple months before the baby was born. I just can’t get rid of it because it serves as a reminder to continue praying.
And I will be praying for you, Penny, as you heal; hoping that your hope and joy returns soon. God bless.
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Thanks to all for sharing your stories. My wife and I have been involved in 4 “failed” adoptions, and one “successful” one.
The first time was several years ago, when we were going through the adoption process for the first time. Basically, we were told by a birth mom that she wanted us to adopt her child, but in fact she was saying the same thing to another couple as well. Just before my wife was to travel to her state a couple of days to prior to the due date, we were told that she wasn’t going through with it. Our attorney found out from her attorney (who we helped her find) what really happened – she never told us the truth. Things had moved fairly quickly on that one and we had never bonded strongly with her.
My wife was devastated when this occurred, but I have been able to make sense of it subsequently. This experience was very humbling for me, and I turned to God and prayed like I had never done before, and promised to change my life if He would only help us through this time. Not too long after, we were contacted by our adoptive daughter’s birth parents and there was a happy ending. I truly believe our daughter is the answer to my prayers and I have continued to uphold the commitment I made to this day.
A little over a year ago, we started the adoption process again. Back in November, we had 2 failed adoptions in basically a 1-week period. A birthmom we had been bonding with since August, and with whom we had committed to an adoption plan in Oct, contacted us to let us know that her aunt had stepped forward to adopt the child. We were hurt, but we understood. That birthmom had been really special to us and it was hard to believe. However, just a couple of days later we were contacted by a birthmom who had just been released from the hospital with her baby boy, and she wanted him to be adopted. After a couple of days of phone conversations, she asked us to adopt him and said she wanted to move quickly. We lined up a local attorney, and when our attorney said it was ok, my wife flew to this birthmother’s home state. She met the birthmom and the baby, they went shopping together for baby stuff that my wife would need during the interstate-compact time, and my wife even BREASTFED this baby. The next day they were meant to meet at the local attorneys office, but the birthmom emailed shortly before the appointment to say she had changed her mind. I booked my wife the first flight back home I could get her on. While she was in the airport waiting to return home, the birthmom emailed her “I think I might have made a mistake”. It went on like that for days – the birthmom going back and forth. She had counseling but it didn’t seem to be doing her any good. Eventually we had to just tell her that we couldn’t go on that way, and that if she eventually decided on an adoption plan she might need to just start fresh with a new adoptive family, because we weren’t sure how we could have a healthy relationship with her after all of the emotional turmoil we went through. My wife had never breastfed a child before, and I know this baby will always be special to her and she still misses him.
Our last failed adoption just occurred a few days ago, which is why I am online reading other people’s stories. We were first contacted by this birthmom in late December when she was early in her pregnancy, but too far along for an abortion (which she had planned but changed her mind at the last minute). We started a relationship with her and after a few months she asked us to adopt her baby. She finally gave birth on June 4, the baby had severe drug withdrawal due to the birthmom’s methadone use and he would need to stay in the hospital for a long time (he is still there as I write this). The baby was given his own room in the Pediatrics unit and, after the birthmom was discharged from the hospital, my wife basically moved into his room with him to provide the comfort and soothing that would help him get through his withdrawal treatment. Then, when the baby was about 10 days old, the birthmom texted us to say that they had decided to parent. The birthfather had said he would go along with the adoption plan, because that is what the birthmom wanted, but in the end he couldn’t go through with it and convinced the birthmom to parent. We are devastated, again. We have held this baby, changed him, fed him, been there for him when he cries and has tremors in the middle of the night. The hardest part is that he is still there in the hospital, and we feel like he still needs us, but now we are not allowed to be there for him. We know the birth parents are not there for him in the hospital the way we were. It feels like we have abandoned him, even though we are completely powerless in this situation.
My wife and the birthmom had become close over the last many months, and we have pledged to remain friends with and support her. But it is hard. We can’t understand why any of this had to happen. The birth family are no better off than if they had just decided to parent from the beginning…in fact I think they are worse off because they feel badly for us. My wife and I, and even our daughter, are suffering for no apparent reason. Meanwhile, the baby is not getting the care that he could be. No one is better off. How can this be?
We are completely lost now. Where do we go from here? It is one thing to move on from a failed adoption and keep trying. We’ve done that. But 3 times in 8 months? Its hard to even imagine how we could have a healthy relationship with a birth family after what we have been through. How can we not just automatically assume the worst? We are considering fostering rather than adoption now, but our county’s department of children, youth & families won’t even call us back. We have a freezer full of breast milk that we will have to start throwing away soon because it will be too old. We are completely undone.
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I echo what LJ just said; our adoption agency was incredibly supportive through our 2 failed adoptions. When my wife was on the phone with our case worker, I could hear our case working weeping for us. I am not sure what we would have done without her.
I also echo the statement about taking time to heal.
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First of all, regarding the frozen breastmilk– there are places that will accept it and use it for preemies, or other women who have trouble pumping and have to go back to work, etc. So do something positive with it, if you can and find someone else who has need for it.
Secondly, take time to heal. Those are the bits of advice I have for you. You’ve invested yourselves into this process over and over and been hurt and hurt and hurt. You just need breathing room … and that’s okay. You can’t rush “the right baby” into your life. We are still waiting for our first baby to arrive, (and are currently in a very strong match situation– in fact we just met the birth mom last night for the first time and are now praying about if it’s good to proceed with this baby.) I would rather just wait and trust that the right child and situation will come along when the time is right, and if it’s the little baby whose mother we met yesterday, then we will be parents in less than 6 weeks. And if it’s someone else, then we’ll keep believing that day will come.
When you do feel ready to move on again and maybe try it, look into finding an agency that has emotional support not only for the birth-moms, but for the adopting couples. Going through an attorney doesn’t give you any personal support, and having been through that many disappointments would give you a new network of people to walk you through the process. We thought at first that it would be very expensive, but when we figured out that over half of our adoption expenses will come back to us in the form of tax credits, it really is a lot more affordable, and any attorney’s fees would still come very close to what the out-of-pocket expenses are for an agency adoption. Knowing that we are working with competent, trained counselors with psychology degrees and child-placement experience, and social work backgrounds is immensely comforting to us.
There is no way we could have gone through the loss of the twins I mentioned in my first comment above without the counselors and staff at our agency. They were really there for us and gave us lots of useful help, and connected us with other families that had experienced similar losses. (Even another couple that had lost the twins they had spent 2 months in the NICU taking care of…)
Praying for all of us in this boat! It’s a crazy roller-coaster.
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Just thought I would post here, since you all seem so supportive an have a great faith in this process….we are matched with mom due in October. (This is our first domestic adoption, have done two international adoptions.) In June, my husband and I flew to FL to meet the birth parents and we really connected. They are homeless and have absolutely no family support. The birth mom and I have been texting and talking until a few weeks ago when she stopped all communication with me. She communicates with our attorney and coordinator, but won’t reply to my texts. She has told our attorney that she is still 100% committed to her adoption plan, but that she is just so tired all the time and that being pregnant is so hard. I am concerned that she is changing her mind and afraid to tell us. We will of course support her decision to parent (although we aren’t sure how that will happen once she is back on the streets..) but we are feeling like we are being played. We pay for all of her living expenses and if she is changing her mind, we would like to know now so we can cut our losses and perhaps be matched with someone else. But, she could change her mind several times between now and the birth, in two months. Our coordinator doesn’t seem to have her “thumb on the pulse” of what is going on with this birth mom, so I am looking for advice on what to do and how to proceed….what questions should I ask our coordinator and should I try to text our birth mom again and ask her directly? I am at a complete loss as to how to handle this? Just let go and see what happens? HELP!!
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Wow– I’m not sure. I don’t know if you’re a person of faith, but for us, praying about each and every adoption decision has been instrumental in making peaceful decisions even after we lost the twins that I mentioned in my first comment… If we don’t feel peaceful about something we don’t feel conflicted about taking a step back. Again, for us, it’s a really different journey since we are not paying anyone’ s living expenses although the agency can allocate funds for needy mothers, but there’s no sense of obligation to us directly because we are not funding anything. I would proceed with caution. If you can spare the money and are willing to take the risk of her backing out, just keep trying to offer emotional support to this couple, but enter at your own risk. Even some of the most “sure fire” adoption situations have a way of changing at the 11th hour sometimes, so it is a gamble, but if you think of it as a ministry in a way, that you are helping this person to live and get help while she is pregnant, and if you can put all your expectations on hold, then maybe it’s easier to compartmentalize the money going out, if you don’t necessarily feel like she is taking advantage of you but that you are reaching out to a fellow person in need, and if everything *DOES* work out, you will also have a new baby to love and bless as well as having an opportunity to be empathetic and loving toward the woman that made this decision.
We have always approached our adoptions with a sensitive nature because what we are ultimately doing is stepping into the chasm on behalf of women who are in such a tough spot that they’re considering handing their own children off to another family … I can’t imagine being in such dire straits! So it becomes very easy to become tangled up in the process and start to feel like these women “owe you a baby” but that’s a really bitter and complicated emotional state to be in. So again– try to think about it as a way to help a down-and-out person in need, the way you might if you met any other homeless person, and be open to seeing where it goes.
If losing this money would set you back astronomically, or make it impossible for you to pursue another adoption possibility down the road, then by all means, cut your losses and move on by saving up money again and at least that way the disappointment is nominal.
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LJ, I appreciate your wisdom and experience here. My wife and I are starting our second adoption process. I feel more confident because what I learned the first time around but I still find myself a little nervous knowing that anything can happen. I need constant reminders that it is all in God’s hands and that God will bring about his will in due time.
Thanks again 🙂
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Thanks– it’s been so cathartic for my husband and me to share how God has used our sad lost adoption to heal us of other things, and to reach out to other people in the adoption process. Up until now, everyone I knew who had adopted had fairly smooth adoptions and even my adoption-buddies were kind of at a loss for how to handle the season of our grief. Since I’m subscribed to all these comments, I have been finding a lot of release in sharing our story with all your new commenters. Hope your 2nd adoption goes smoothly. We still have not had a match that has stuck (We actually declined a sure-fire adoption — where baby would have otherwise gone to state custody– because of multiple red flags that fell outside our comfort zone, but felt very peaceful about our decision.) So we continue to wait and see what the future holds.
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That is indeed a tough one. We were in a similar situation with our failed adoption in Florida. Our attorney down there didn’t have her “thumb on the pulse” of the situation. Actually, she provided very little support to the birth mother but I held out hope that our relationship with the birth mother, through texting, would be enough. Within a couple weeks of the birth I started having doubts but refused to believe that this would fail. I held onto hope and placed my trust in God. Even though the adoption failed, God used this situation to make us stronger.
I don’t know if that helps but I will be praying for you. Feel free to let us know here how things turn out so we can continue to support you and hold you up in prayer.
God bless.
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Our failed adoption placement was this past July. Baby girl in our home for 12 days before birth parents changed their minds. Sending her back was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. She and her 2 siblings were removed from their home by social services within the month and are now back with their birthparents. They family goes to church with my parents. I’ve been working through a lot of anger at both them and God. Our 6 year old (adopted as an infant) had a hard time understanding, and even now, he says things like he doesn’t think we are baby keepers. It makes me sad. I worry about her and pray for her.
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I am so sorry. I can’t imagine dealing with a failed adoption with a child in the family. It is one thing to make sense of it as an adult, but helping a child is something different. I will be praying as well.
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My husband and I are in the middle of what could be a situation like those mentioned here. Our birth mom had a family in mind, but then saw our book and apparently fell in love with us. But now she is confused, which in turns confuses us. She doesn’t know which family she wants. Honestly it makes you feel as though you are somehow second rate..that you don’t quite measure up. And that hurts. She needs a lot of financial help. We are willing to be there for her but we don’t want to be played with emotionally. It’s not that this is remotely easy for her…we know better than that. But she seems so indecisive and that makes me very nervous. The baby is due shortly and I just feel like (perhaps this is a defense mechanism) we need to prepare for a no rather than a yes. We’ve waited so long to become a family but it never, ever gets easier. I guess I just pray for the definitive YES to come through from someone who truly loves us and will entrust us with this choice.
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I just typed in “failed adoption stories” and was very lucky to see this page pop up. My failed adoption story is a bit different because I was with the Father of, let’s call her “baby F”. Her bio mom was not in the picture and had no desire to be. When Baby F was 2 her Father and I got together. I was the first mom she ever knew. Our bond as a family was incredible. I loved waking up in my boyfriend’s arms to the sound of little feet. After two years together my boyfriend proposed to me on Mother’s Day. It was a very touching moment. He told me that he wanted me to adopt Baby F because I was her true mother and he saw how much we loved each other. Well six weeks after he became engaged he passed away very suddenly in a car accident. It was such a horrible day. His mother and sister showed up at my house to tell me my fiance was dead and I needed to pack a bag for Baby F because they were taking her. I remember sobbing and sobbing as I packed her Little Mermaid swimsuit and Princess Belle hairbrush. Baby F was very confused and didn’t understand why I was upset. She kept asking, “what’s wrong with my mommy? Why is she sad?” I had no answer for her because the family forbid me to say anything about her Dad. I was told it was not my place. When I picked her up for her final hug, just before I put her into her carseat she clung to me. Even as I tried to set her down in the car I had to pry her fingers from around my neck and tell her through my tears that everything was going to be okay when I knew it was not. Three weeks after his death the family started telling Baby F that I was not her Mommy and she needed to stop calling me that. This was said right in front of me, without any consultation on my part. I was crushed when three years later Baby F began referring to her Grandma as “Mommy” yet no one corrects her. It’s been five years now and I still grieve for every milestone missed. Even though I have remained close to Baby F, and her Grandma and I were able to forge a stronger relationship, it’s still a painful memory and I do harbor some resentment. I’m glad to meet people who understand what it is to bond with a child that is not biologically theres. Many do not understand. I would also urge everyone considering adoption to look into foster care…there are many, many children looking for homes. If you want siblings you can adopt several kids at once, ensuring that they will go to the same family! It’s also very cheap so you don’t have to invest your life savings. There are currently 104,000 children in foster care waiting to be adopted. I have looked into it but held off at the moment until I am more financially stable but I was told it runs somewhere between 5k or less. I hope this helps somebody!
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This blog came to my mind again last night, because I have just learned something a tidbit that should be encouraging to several of you that took a severe financial blow while also experiencing the emotional turmoil of a failed adoption. My adoption caseworker emailed us to tell us the following: “Families can claim the adoption tax credit for failed adoptions. You have to wait a year to do so, which means you could claim the credit on your next-year’s tax return. Per child, it’s nearly $13,000 that can be claimed, if you can demonstrate you paid that much in adoption-related expenses. Anything you paid to your (attorney / agency) prior to the child’s birth, in addition to any travel expenses you incurred for that adoption would essentially be reimbursed by the IRS. As far as I understand, this would not prevent you from claiming an additional tax credit when you are placed with a child in the future. You can find additional information here: http://www.nacac.org/taxcredit/taxcredit2014.html. I would recommend consulting with a CPA (who has experience with the adoption tax credit) if you have specific questions about claiming the credit.”
So please, please look into this tax credit even if you think you’ve lost your life savings on a failed adoption. It could at least help you get back on your feet again as far as funds go, even if it takes a while longer for the heart to mend. — God bless!
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Thank you for sharing that. We did claim our failed adoption expenses which indeed helped very much. Keep your receipts and document everything.
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I just went through a failed adoption and am so heartbroken. I have never been married, and my long term boyfriend broke up with me shortly after I was matched. I could not have children of my own because I had breast cancer, and because I was in my early 40’s, it put me into menopause. Being single, it was becoming frustrating as I was not getting matched. I finally got matched in June of this year. Although, my bf broke up with me shortly after, he stuck with me through the meeting of the bm and her family. Her lawyer said it was her plan from the beginning and she never wavered. It was finally a go, they were going to induce her today. This morning, they started the process, and then the social worker came out and told me that she changed her mind. I couldn’t believe, and I am still in shock.
I sit her alone in my hotel room, away from family and friends, crying, and feeling like a big hole in my heart. I don’t even know what made her change her mind. She is barely surviving, and has two small girls to support. I am so devastated. I know it is fresh, but I just wanted to vent to others who understand.
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Julie, my heart grieves for you as you sit there mourning this loss. I wish I had some words to comfort you at this time so all I will say is that we will be holding you up in prayer.Take care and feel free to stop back anytime to vent.
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Thank you. I am just wondering how many of these adoptions do not move forward. I didn’t know the statistics were so high until my failed adoption. I am trying not to say “failed” because I understand the bmom does not feel that way, but I still feel angry like she failed me. This is selfish, I know, but she now has 3 children under the age of 3 to support – with no job, no car… it just doesn’t seem right that she could take all that money from me for 5 months and then not have to pay it back. It doesn’t seem right that I have to work so hard to have a baby, and she gets three just by getting pregnant from deadbeats and one night stands. I know I should be more sympathetic and I will never ever know what she went through, but it still hurts and I am still angry!! I don’t like to judge, but I am going to so bear with me because I am still angry — the Bmom’s mother is only 43 and 4 of her children have been pregnant in the last 4 months (all from hookups)! She has 9 children and 15 grand babies, and her 16 old is pregnant right now! I am trying to just look forward, but each day brings new challenges. So, thank you for letting me vent and please advertise to the world that I am ready to be a mom, and praying and hoping my baby comes soon.
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My wife and I dealt with a lot of anger as well when our first adoption failed. And not only did we lose birth mother expenses but we were paying a lawyer in Florida who we feel did not do her job (that’s a whole other story that I won’t get into here). It’s still frustrating. What helps me is that I try to remember to pray for that birth mother and that baby. I ask God to care for her and give her the resources she needs to raise that child. I have no idea how they are doing and probably will never know. I guess it is all in Gods hands.
Thank you for venting. I think it is helpful to others to join you in your grieving. Hopefully you find strength and encouragement in venting. So come back anytime.
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I’m sad and grateful to read the blog post and comments. I’m also a single, hopeful adoptive mom. The baby I hoped to adopt was born 4 days ago. I flew with my mom (thank God for her) to FL immediately. His mom wanted to sign as soon as he was born and was agitated that they wouldn’t let her. She knew the plan, but I realize now, she anticipated the problems to come. While holding, rocking and caring for the hours-old baby I hoped would bey son, the agency called me and told me to put him in the bed and leave immediately. I did not know that while I was bonding, his mom’s until-then-absent family was raising hell against the mom, cussing out staff and social workers, feeding her the lines to say to inform the agency that she wod not sign. The agency was so stern with me because the family was on their way down to the nursery where I was obliviously rocking, gazing and falling in love.
I stepped out of the nursery to try to understand what was going on to be told by my mom I could not go back, she was not going to sign. The agency had called her to help get me away from the nursery.
I’m devastated. Hurt. Scared for mom and baby and her older child. I’m angry at the family. The mom wanted to place the baby because she knew she couldn’t care for him. Family members claimed they supported her when they were nowhere around when she had no place to live or food for herself and toddler. I provided that. Now they say, you can stay with us for a few days till you get a job. ???? Are you kidding me? She young, not well educated, with a toddler and a newborn that she isn’t prepared for because she planned that he’d be coming home with me. They arm twisted, lied and threatened to make her not sign.
I’m sick to death and afraid to move forward on a future match.
Thanks got the post and comments. Thanks for virtually listening.
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I want to respond as I wrote in this post earlier about my failed adoption. Similar situation, but the baby was not born, she changed her mind the morning of. And I felt sad and angry as well because of similar reasons (she had a baby and a toddler with no job, no car, etc.) But, I knew I could not stop the process since I wanted to move forward. I grieved, but keep waiting. Less than 2 months later, a baby girl was born right in my OWN STATE of Colorado! The FIRST case in a year from CO. Grace was born on Feb 8th and is in the NICU due to prematurity and methadone withdraw. But, she is doing GREAT!! I loved the mom and her girlfriend and they chose me – there was no family to help support. She relinquished her rights on Thursday of last week. Once thing they loved was my letter. That is why they picked me. In my letter I was honest, and told them about the failed adoption and that I still had a nursery set up.
After my failed placement, so many people told me that it will still happen, my baby was still out there. At first, it was hard to hear that, but then I began believing it. And the truth is I think deep down, I always wanted a girl. God had a plan, I know it in my heart. I hope to take Grace home soon. And I hope you will also find your baby. It is difficult to go on, I know, but you have to – don’t give up! Just proceed with caution. 🙂
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Happy for you, Julie, and praying you all can go home soon.
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All too often the family comes out of no where; pledging support but then drops off the face of the earth later. There is so much misunderstanding of adoption that people are scared or think it is such a horrible thing instead of a loving decision. I will be praying for the birth mother and for you.
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One more thing…
As painful as it was, I’m so grateful I held him and loved on him. He’s so beautiful. So sweet. I wish he were my son. Seeing his little face, arms, toes. That moment was a dream. Holding him and watching his little facial expressions. I’ll never forget it.
Sad and grateful.
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Congratulations Julie! VERY happy for you!
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one week ago, we went a failed adoption and our dream has been crushed. A baby mom changed her mind. We have been married for 17 years and have been trying to have our own but didn’t work out. We did IVF twice didn’t work either. We spent all our saving. Now we are hope less don’t know what to do. Any suggestions how to adopt a baby in low cost?
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I am so sorry for your loss. No matter how many of these stories I hear, my heart never ceases to break when a dream is shattered like this.
There are a lot of grants out there as well as low interest loans. One option to consider is adopting through foster care. I am not sure on the requirements there but I believe the costs are lower.
Praying for healing for you.
Eric
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We just had a failed adoption a few weeks ago. The birth mom is also our 4 year old’s birth mom. We were very sure that this would go just as smoothly as the first time, though the circumstances were a bit different. This time she changed her mind about three days before the scheduled c-section which was also four days after we visited her and she gave us a bunch of clothes for the baby. We agreed on an open adoption with our son, but we don’t know how that’s going to work now. Any advice??
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That IS an awkward situation. If you are working with an adoption agency I would rely on your caseworker. Have they experienced anything like this before?
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I wanted to say that after 7 years of infertility and almost 3 years of adoption roller coasters including the loss of “our twins” we suddenly had a match within 3 days of an infant boy born in May. God had a plan all along, and the child we thought would never come is now here! We are over the moon in love! Keep the faith everyone!
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Praise be to God!
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Thank you so much for sharing your story. We just experienced a failed adoption. Our birthmother changed her mind after 5 weeks of us caring and loving our baby. We took her home from the hospital and we named her. We were there for every diaper change, feeding, and cry since the minute she was born. The day we had to return her was the worst day of our lives. I am so sad to hear all of your stories but also glad to know there is hope out there.
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Wow. I hear stories like that way too often and it just pains me to imagine going through something like that. But I do thank you for sharing your story. People need to know they aren’t alone and that there is indeed hope. I’ll be praying that God shows you His plan soon.
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My husband and I were approached by a family friend who asked if we would adopt her unborn son. We thought about it for a week before we said yes. With lawyers and many months awaiting the birth of our son going to doctors appointments and ultrasounds this baby was ours I could feel it in my soul. Our Son was born in May we were in the room stayed at the hospital brought him home. The next 2 1/2 months were the best of our lives. Until we got a letter stating we needed to go to court that an interested male thought he was the father of our little boy. How could this be where was he all this time? DNA was done and a court decided that because he was the biological father (with a Criminal record a mile long) he would get custody of this child. Just this past Monday while at work we received a call that we needed to bring our sweet boy to the police station to give him to his birth father. I had to show him how to put the car seat in the car tell him how he liked to be burped what binkies he uses how to make a bottle what songs he likes to hear. Our hearts will never be the same. This child was ours it was us who woke with him at 3:30 on the dot every morning for feedings. It was my parents that watched him and bonded with him while we were at work. The first place we went after the police station was church a church that I grew up in but stayed away from. But after my grandmother past away in December i was drawn back. Here after talking to our pastor for 3 hours and praying we come to realize that our congregation was full of couples who had gone through similar situations. It’s as if God brought us back so we would have this support. I still can’t stop smelling his blankets I can’t break down to wash them and put it all away yet. It feels similar to a death but more like a kidnapping I will never have closer. Our son is being raise by a Man who only by DNA is his father. We pray every minute for his safety. We pray that Thomas grows up a happy little boy knowing that so many people loved him so much they were fighting over him. I will never get over this Child. But I hope one day I can make room for another Angel in our loves.. Time will tell.
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Wow! I am so sorry for your loss. But thank you for sharing your story, though. It just breaks my heart. I too will be praying for Thomas and for the father. I hope this little boy is safe and that the father has his heart changed to be the father this boy needs.
For a long time after our first failed adoption we couldn’t go into the baby room and put stuff away. The doors remained shut. So I can understand not wanting to wash that blanket.
I am also glad and thankful that God lead you back to church where you found a caring community. May you find healing and may God create room for another angel in your heart and lives. God bless.
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Reading through these posts has caused my heart to ache all over again. The pain and hurt. The sadness and disappointment that you all have and are facing rips my heart out all over again. I know that most of not all of you ask the same question over and over again. WHY?? Why did she change her mind? Why did this happen to me/us. I’m hoping that this is where I come in and hopefully speak to you through my heart and my experience. I’m hoping I can help you understand loss from the other side. In a loving and what I thought stable relationship at 21 years old I eagerly awaited the birth of my first child. As the months flew by and my belly grew so did my relationship with my unborn son. The only thing that had changed during my pregnancy was the father. He grew more distant and eventually disappeared. Lost and alone I raised my son on my own and found the struggle sometimes unbearable. So when I became pregnant 5 years later I knew almost immediately what I needed to consider for my 7 year old son, myself and my unborn son. Adoption. It was truly the most heart wrenching 9 months of my life. I changed my mind atleast 1,000 times during that time but I knew that being a single mother of two would not be fair to this new child or the child I was already struggling to provide for. My heart cried every time I felt my son move inside my belly. Finally the day came and the hours and days leading up to saying goodbye grew increasingly hard but I knew it was for the best. This family could give him everything I could not and they were amazing people who could not have children of their own. I was doing this for my boys. I’m doing this for my boys. I said it over and over and over until I convinced myself it was the best and only choice. The pain was unbearable. Comparing it to death would not even touch how it felt. I could see him, hold him and watch him grow but from a distance. My family turned their back on me. My friends called me a coward. I felt like a coward. Like I was running away and dumping my responsibility on someone else. For 7 years I struggled with this heartbreak. The only thing that eased my pain was the pictures and updates I received from his new forever family. They were amazing. He was so loved and happy. Depression was very real for me. I hurt so badly and longed for my son and I felt selfish for those feelings. I only knew that one day I would be able to provide my now 12 year old son with a life better than the one we faced 7 years earlier. My dreams seemed to be coming true with a new marriage and a new beginning for my son and I and finally the chance to become a mommy again was rapidly approaching. My pregnancy this time around was filled with joy and excitement and finally some stability for us. 7 months into my pregnancy my husband decided that he had made a mistake. He no longer wanted me, my son or his son on the way. The blow was nothing short of devastating. My nursery was finished. Everything was ready for my new son to join us. I began to panick at the thought of once again being faced with bringing a child in to this world with no father and no support. At 34 weeks of pregnancy I reluctanlty called the adoptive parents of my now 7 year old second son. They were elated. So supportive and couldn’t wait to meet their new son. I felt very confused, alone and felt that God somehow had turned his back on me. What did I do to deserve to watch my kids suffer and my heart ripped out at having to hand over another son to be raised by another family other than my own. The same feelings washed over me as with my previous adoption only this time I had prepared for 7 months to be a mother. I was excited and ready. My son was also ready. Ready to make his debut several weeks early. The paperwork wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready unfortunately he was. I delivered a healthy little guy and reluctantly went through the same heart gutching ordeal. She held him first. He cut the cord. They spent hours bonding while I lie in the next room longing for my son. After 12 hours of crying and feeling that my life could not exist without this new miracle with me in my arms in my family I reluctantly changed my mind. All I could think of was not hurting this family. They had prepared for him. I had prepared for 8 months while it had only been a week for them I still felt like I was tearing their world apart. How could I make a promise to these people and go back on it? How could I rip their hearts out as mine had been all those years earlier? I felt horrible. My heart ached for this family. It ached for my 7 year old son who had planned to meet his new brother and for my 12 year old to say goodbye again to his. I didn’t know what to do. Who to turn to and I felt like I was the worst person and mother in the world. I guess what I’m trying to say with my story is there’s never an easy way to back out of adoption. With adoption no matter what there is always a mother who can potentially be destroyed. Wether it’s the birth mother going through the agony of carrying a child for 9 months and abruptly ending that bond on what should be the happiest day of her life. Or the adoptive family who has mentally prepared to become parents only to have the child they had fallen in love with hours before be taken from them and a promise broken. No one escapes in hurt. I felt the torture with my first adoption. Walking away empty handed and I just couldn’t go through with it again after seeing his face and holding him. A bond a mother feels to her unborn child is a bond that can never be replaced. I felt him moving. I saw his face and little hands in the ultrasound. Heard his heart beating and fell in love with my son long before he took his first breath. All three of them. I will forever be so sorry for hurting this wonderful family and I kick myself every day for panicking during my pregnancy and dragging them through emotional hell. I wake up every morning knowing she’s waking up to an empty crib and I only pray in time they can forgive me. It wasn’t an easy decision. I guess it never is. I Know now why there are laws in place to give the birth mom time to change her mind. A woman’s body goes through so many changes not just physically but more so mentally while preparing for a child. One can not ever know how they will feel until they see or hold that child in their arms and are faced with having to say goodbye. Faced with the choice to give the baby up or raise your child. I know this is no consolation to those of you who have had failed adoptions but I’m hoping hearing my story or any birth mom story that you can see this choice through her eyes as well.
The family did not take the news well and it was very hard knowing I had hurt them. When I broke the news to her she became very angry. Has tried and still continues to try to change my mind through messages from herself and her family. Telling me I should consider what’s best for him all the while calling him the name they chose to give him and not the name he has been given. They have begged and pleaded with me daily. Please don’t do this to us. Please don’t hurt us like this. Think of ******* and of our other three adoptive children and what it’s doing to them. Telling me I’ve crushed them and I’ve hurt their kids. The though of hurting them is killing my emotionally while I’m doing the best I can to recover from birth and take care of my 12 year old and a 5 day old baby. The messages are sent daily and I’m so heartbroken for them that I’ve rately had the chance to be happy for myself and my choice to raise my son. The only decision I feel was made irrationally was the one I made 15 days ago to give him up. In my heart I know that I was wrong for it. I panicked. My hormones were raging and I was physically and emotionally drained. I will forever regret hurting them. Please if anyone knows what I can do or say to take away their pain. I don’t want to block contact as they are raising my 7 year old but I can’t go through this everyday. I know they are hurting I just want to do the right thing now and tell them how much they mean to me. I would give anything if they would truly out themselves in my shoes as I’ve done theirs and see that I’m not a bad person. I just couldn’t hang on through with this a second time. Advise??? Please.
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You should look up saving our sisters facebook page they can help you with advice and support for your children
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I have always wanted to adopt in addition to having our own children. But now my focus is on special needs kids (typically given up or abandoned and true orphans. I don’t know how I stumbled upon this blog. But it is hard for me to read everyone’s comments about your anger with your failed adoption stories. I’d be curious to know why people who wanted to adopt babies who were loved by their birth mama would get so mad when she made the best decision…ultimately out of love and not fear? My son died for unknown reasons at delivery. My brokenheart opened my eyes differently now to adoption….and I could NEVER take a baby from a mama who loved him or her but rather would be compelled to do what I could to help them keep that baby. And I would never utter a selfish prayer “Lord help them give up their baby”…You think your pain runs deep? This may sound harsh, but I think you are too shallow for it to run deep. I think your anger has become your problem. You can’t imagine the pain a mama feels when she gives up a baby (out of fear) that she loved and wanted.
There are MANY special needs babies ready for adoption. Maybe God would lead you faster if you found out what HIS plan ultimately is before setting out on your adoption adventure.
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I don’t mean to discount what you are saying, and I am sorry for your loss, but I think it is insensitive to say that our pain is “shallow.” We experience a loss as well – loss of fertility, loss of a family, etc. To feel heartache should not and does not diminish anyone else’s heartache. Of course, the birth mother loves the child, but it is possible she loves the child so much and wants the best possible life for him/her. That is unconditional love. While we may not be able to imagine what it is like to be faced with such a hard decision, you may not know what it is like to have your hopes and dreams crushed. It is possible that we will never know the joys of pregnancy, and that is a harsh reality.
That’s great that you are open to adopted a special needs child! But it’s possible that not everyone is equipped to handle children with special needs, so to say that people should just go that route after dealing with the blow of a failed adoption is flippant, at best. Not to sound harsh. This forum is a place for people who have had a failed adoption to vent their side of the story. It is not fair to come here and diminish their feelings, no matter how “wrong” you think they may be.
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It is a hard thing to deal with the pain of a failed adoption. Of course we knew of other options but we also knew what we were capable of. We knew the incredible need of people to adopt special needs child but never felt that was where we were being lead, and in the midst of making sense of a failed adoption we just weren’t in a position to think of others options. Fortunately for us, God was working in other ways and eventually brought Mayah into our lives.
Thanks for sharing.
Eric
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I just came across your page after looking into failed adoptions. We recently have gone through this pain as well. We started the international adoption process in November 2013. We have spent a great deal of money and emotions into this process. We were finally matched with an adorable, perfect little boy in China. We started to purchase clothes, cribs, everything. We studied where in China we would fly to and were preparing our 4 year old on how to be a big brother. We received one last update on our new son before flying to China. The news was devastating. We received a copy of a MRI that was done back in April 2015 that we have never seen before. There was no indication that there was anything wrong with him so to receive this MRI was shocking. We had to make the best decision for our family and for him. That decision was the hardest I ever had to make. The pain is still so raw. Breaking the news to our 4 year old was the hardest thing I will ever have to do in my life.
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So, because he was sick, he didn’t get the help or love you had for him? Sounds like your interest wasn’t his best interest,…..pretty sad.
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Wow, that’s your response? Did you ever stop to think what we saw on his MRI? I wrote my story for others to know they are not alone and for a sense of release, not for your opinion. You do not know my family or his story. I feel bad for you for having such a judgemental mind.
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Wow, I can’t imagine receiving news like that and to be honest I don’t know what I would have done. As much as you love that child it sounds like you made a difficult yet loving decision. We just need to keep praying God connects this child to a family. And I will pray for you, too, as you heal and wait. Thanks for sharing your heart.
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Thank you for posting this. I’ll add: Our failed adoption story: http://www.graceofadoption.com/2015/08/the-story-of-ben.html
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Thank you for sharing, Mike.
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A happy follow-up! http://www.graceofadoption.com/2015/11/we-have-son.html?m=1
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As an adoptee, and as a parent , I am horrified by prospective adoptive parents’ attitudes about “failed” adoptions. A child’s mother decides to not relinquish her baby. The proper response to that should be to praise God, to be thankful that the mother-child bond was not ripped apart.
I totally understand the prospective adoptive parents’ heartbreak and disappointment, but the babies didn’t die…they remained alive and well with their mothers. The natural family is the gold standard; adoption—particularly adoption to strangers—is, at best, a solution born out of desperation.
Grieving when a mother’s bond to her child is stronger than her fears of raising her child under challenging circumstances is a selfish (but understandable) response. But the adoptive parents focus only on their wants and desires, their emptiness, their efforts at making the child acquisition. The best interests of the child are an afterthought. What adoptive parents are willing to sacrifice for the child(ren) they hope to adopt is always contingent on having possession of the child. The suggestion of sponsoring a child so that the natural family can remain intact would be dismissed outright, yet economic desperation is usually the prime reason that young or single mothers are convinced they are incapable of successfully raising their own child. I bring this up only to point out that “the best interests of the child” takes a backseat to the desires of acquiring someone else’s child.
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Horrified??? I appreciate your perspective, but a lot of assumptions are made here. One – that a biological bond somehow trumps any other bond. Somehow because a woman gets pregnant (likely not by choice), she would make the better parent. Could be true sometimes, but not always. Second, families choose adoption for MANY reasons and not always financial “desperation.”
Lastly, do you honestly think that the “desires” outweigh the best interests of the child!? I am fairly confident that if an adoptive parent feels the child will have a better life with his/her biological parent, they would not be adopting that child. I imagine that is rarely the case. Your biggest assumption here is that a child is ALWAYS better off with the person who gave birth to him or her.
As an adoptee, I wonder how your parents feel that you feel that you would have been better off not having been adopted and stayed with the birth mom as a “natural” family. Since that is the “gold standard”.
And I have to say, it is difficult on both sides – for you to be flippant or even accusatory of adoptive parents being selfish or “wrong” for having feelings is insulting. To tell someone who suffered a loss how to feel is flippant, at best.
I have successful adopted a beautiful girl since my failed (yes, failed) adoption. She has a good life, and her birth mom knows this. She did not have a house or a car or a job. Out of LOVE, she knew I could provide a better life despite the fact that it is not “natural.” I respect her immensely. Before you judge us, learn our stories, and try not to be so horrified.
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Thank you for your reply.
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The first thing my wife and I did following our failed adoption was to pray for that little girl and her family. We prayed that she was making the right decision. But I very much disagree with your “gold standard” comment. The best interests of the child is not always with the birth parents. If you knew the whole situation with our failed adoption you might change your tune on that comment. Without violating confidentiality all I will say is that the original reason for putting her baby up for adoption was not financial. Giving her money wouldn’t have helped the situation. Please don’t make generalizations.
The fact of the matter is that there is a lot of pain that goes with a failed adoption; something that many people can’t possibly understand if they haven’t been there.
I understand that a bond between a child and the birth parents is important but sometimes we need to think beyond that when it come to the best interests of the child.
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Thank you for sharing your story. Everything in me still hurts from our failed adoption 3 weeks ago.
Our story is different from most on here. Ours was a private adoption. It was a friend of 11 years that came to us and asked us to adopt the baby she was carrying when she was 8 weeks along. She already had 4 children and two had been removed from her home by cps. She knew she couldnt take care of another one. So after much talking and back and forth we decided to go for it. She gave us a gender revel party. We went to every doctors appt. Her children and her made different crafts to hang in the babies room. We had a baby shower, we did everything. The night before being induced she told us to not come to the hospital that she wanted the first 48hrs alone with the baby. That started our week long nightmare that were trying to find peace with. Lots of lies were told about us. The birthmothers family was reaching out to us, because they knew something was wrong with what they were being told. The birthmother played lots of childish games for the first 48hrs. We got the call to be at the hospital Monday night at 8:20 that everything was a go. We were on our way when our phone rang saying she needed more time. Every day she’d give us a little hope she would go through with it, then destroy it. This went on for 3 days and on Friday we got a text from her attorney saying she couldn’t go through with it. She hasn’t said a word to us. No I’m sorry, no nothing….. we talked every day for the past 7 months. Some days, all day through text. I’ve prayed and prayed for God’s will to be done. I still pray for her and the baby and her other children. She has no job. She lives in a shelter and has this whole time. We lost a really good friend and a baby. This has truly been a test of our faith. We don’t know if we will try adoption again or try more fertility treatments to become parents.
I pray god answers all of our prayers and helps heal all of our hearts
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Well, to start this, my husband and I have gone through almost 20 years of infertility. We had 2 miscarriages and 4 failed attempts at adoption. We were approached by someone we know that she is 85% sure that she wants us to adopt the baby she’s currently pregnant with. This is not reassuring to me! I basically told her unless she’s 100% sure this is what she wants, I don’t want to be approached with it. She told me she’s made lists of pros and cons to keep the baby or give it up for adoption. She tells me that she has 1 pro and the rest are cons. I explained the history and the last failed attempt at adoption was particularly hard. I told her I don’t think I can go through that again. It’s beyond devastating when it doesn’t work out. So, now it’s another waiting game to see what she’s actually going to do. I kind of wished she didn’t offer the option of us adopting but I feel like it’s just going to be another disappointment. We’ve almost come to terms there won’t be children. It’s going to be a flat out miracle if it actually works out.
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I am currently in this same predicament. 4 weeks ago my cousin asked my husband and I if we would be adoptive parents. Since then she has gotten really awkward and asked me to not talk to her at all and only go through her mom (my aunt) if I have anything to say. I have really struggled with this because I do not want to be at all hopful, but am in a predicament as far as whether I want to follow through with getting the paperwork and home study done if it isn’t going to be a semi for sure thing. We probably wouldn’t immediately choose adoption if we were not asked to be parents. We are going through fertility treatments now, and hadn’t totally given up hope on my ovaries…. so I feel as though I need to proceed really cautiously.
She was communicating to me before and told me about 2 weeks ago that they did amniocentesis to check for down syndrome and such since she is quite older, and I have not heard anything… I don’t know if no news is good news or not. I don’t feel like I should communicate with her unless they communicate with me…. any thoughts there?
I am so scared it literally makes me sick to my stomach to be excited about something that very possibly is not a possibility…. the baby is not due until February, but the home study and paper work will take a couple months… I would love to be there right about the time the baby is born, but if I don’t get more certainty from my cousin I don’t know if I have the heart to start nesting if I have nothing to put in it in the end. I have not told very many people, only those that I know are incessant prayers. I am afraid that retracting it from the universe when there is still a lot of time until the adoption would be so devastating that I don’t want all of the hurt and feelings from those around me… any advice or encouragement that I could get would be awesome.
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Was there a miracle? I know I am way late in asking but I am hoping to things worked out for you.
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I know this a belated comment. As a birthmom, though, I had to put in my two cents. One – a mother is NOT a “birthmother” (or birthmom) until the point when she signs papers surrendering her parental rights. Calling a biological mother that before papers are signed is coercive by the adoption agencies and it sets hopes that CANNOT be guaranteed to the hopeful adoptive parents. Also, at least one comment referred to the birthmother as “their birthmother. The biological mother is the child’s birthmom. She is not the possession of the hopeful or actual adoptive parents, which is the implication of referring to a biological mother by that term.
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I absolutely meant no disrespect in using the term “birth mother”. And in reference to “their birth mother”, it’s not a matter of ownership or anything close to that but rather reference to the connection/relationship. I have the utmost respect for those who make the loving choice to place their child up for adoption. I can not even begin to know what that would feel like.
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Yesterday my husband and I were told that the baby we have been waiting for and preparing for has decided to parent. Bio Father deported and Bio mothers other 8 children are with other families all over the world, this was a sure thing right? We paid thousands for living expenses, counseling, etc and the day she has the baby she decides to let CPS (AZ state) take Her instead of us because she thinks she can fight for her and get her back. We are heartbroken and just don’t understand how this happened. Even our lawyer is flabbergasted. This is the second fail. In August a few months ago we had a verbal agreement for a whole pregnancy and then the last day of her pregnancy she told me she would keep this child, she didn’t have her other 4 but she could do this. I’m so upset, angry, and embarrassed. All the things people did for us, bought us, etc. thanks for listening.
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Any updates? How are you doing?
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I want to first thank all of you for sharing your stories. Its somehow comforting to know that my husband and I aren’t alone. We were going through a private open adoption in which I have know the family for a very long time. The opportunity came to us a week after I had a hysterectomy. We talked and met with the birth mom throughout the pregnancy The birth mom said that the biological father didn’t want anything to do with the baby he was blocking her on social media and not taking her texts and phone calls. A month away from the birth of a son the TPR papers were finally served to the bio father. He signed the paternity registry, but even with red flags going up we had faith that everything would be okay. BM was induced on 12/2/16 and I was in the delivery room through labor and delivery and I was the one to cut the umbilical cord. The BF showed up that evening to meet the baby. Still knowing that the BM’s intentions were to still go for adoption I went home to worry for the night. I stayed the next night in the hospital with the BM. On Sunday we took our son home from the hospital, a feeling I never thought I would have, this absolute love for this wonderful little boy in my arms. Finally it had happened we had our child. Three months passed with our son in our arms and our hearts and then it happened. The judge refused to continue our temporary placement and refused the BF placement. At this point there was no other choice but for our son to go to his birth mom. Heartbroken, lost, and angry we took our son to the attorney so she could give him back to his birth mom. The BF is still fighting the BM in court. The twist on this whole story is that the birth mom lets me see him as much as I want. He even stays the night with me once a week. My husband and I are not giving up, but we know we are blessed to still be able to see the sweet boy that will always be our son in our hearts.
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I can’t even imagine what this would be like. I will be lifting this up in my prayers; asking God to strengthen you and hold you tight.
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I took my baby girl home from the hospital and had her for three weeks (10 days is the waiting period in my state). The court still allowed the birth mother to rescind her surrender and I had to hand over my precious baby girl. She will be 5 in 2 months. I miss her every day. It ruined my marriage and changed my life forever. I was in a private adoption and there was no recourse because I had no money for a litigation attorney. Still after 5 years the grief can be unbearable.
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I feel for you and I am so sorry this happened.
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